Slammer call

Girlfriends:

Recently I got a cell phone from AARP. It's the cheapest, most uncomplicated "plan" for those of us whose only reasons for calling away from home are car trouble, an animal emergency, or being stuffed in a car trunk destination unknown. The cute Motorola phone arrived with a preassigned number which will remain secret. Or so I thought.

It rang a while ago; although I didn't recognize it as my phone because I had heard it only while programming the least annoying of all the annoying tunes available. When I finally found the phone, I assumed it would be Chris (who knows the number) and it's a good thing I didn't use one of my more creative salutations because a female voice announced, "This is a prepayed call from inside a federal prison from...." next came a dusty man's voice who without much emotion identified himself as "Screw."

Hello!?

"If you wish to accept this call," continued the electronic operator, "press 1; if you don't wish to accept this call press 7." After a natural hesitation for thinking I may be passing up a last chance to fulfill my most sordid fantasies, I pressed 7. And it occurred to me that the numerical sequence was an attempt to give the fellow a chance. C'mon! Is seven the logical follow-up to one? My suspicions were confirmed when the operator coily asked "Are you sure you don't want to accept this inmate's call? If you wish to accept press 2, if you don't wish to accept press 6."

What the...? Unless you are an assiduous Bingo player, the brain is not programmed for such numerical surprises. Clearly prisoners have lobbied for a "caveat" that allows the "emptor" to think twice or to press the wrong number. All the while Screw is listening, hoping for that likely mistake or, better yet, an adventurous heart ready for prison romance, which he has already initiated solo in anticipation.

In the unlikely event that an AARP cell phone subscriber has made it this far without engaging in conversation with Screw, the operator returns and in a flat tone meant to convey disapointment says, "If you don't want to receive further calls from this inmate, press 7." What! Not 4?

You can't help but think ever so briefly that you've made a felon sad.

What I gather from this episode is that AARP and CCA (Corrections Corporation of America) may have banded together to offer yet another benefit to their subscribers, many of who are lonely. It's an alternative to the bar scene, the church singles, and Internet.... and much cheaper (unless your Screw starts asking for cigarettes and shit and you give in).

Since you are all (discretely Bcc'd) looking for that special someone or just some excitement, I thought I'l let you know. -- Dolores